Little accomplishments (which are definitely nothing to be proud of)

"Accomplishment" is likely the wrong word, but since it's late and I'd rather not dictionary.com some new words, we'll say accomplishment. Okay, maybe "experiences" is a better word. Oh crap, now I should change that title. Plus the first sentence. And now the second. And now... oh forget it.

My mundane experience was riding the bus past midnight, and I rarely (well, never) ride the bus alone late at night, but I felt compelled to garner some independence (that and no one was available to give me a ride nor could I catch a taxi). I guess this is kind of a stupid thing to be proud of because isn't it "stupid, careless, oblivious girls" who stray late at night by themselves who always get into trouble? Aren't those the kinds of girls "asking for it"? I guess that's what people teach us, right? I mean, I would never share this tidbit of liberated glory with my mother, who would likely have a heart attack, telling me "gangs, rapists, perverts, werewolves and leprechauns" are on every corner waiting to pounce. She will then direct me to the news and newspaper and tell me about all the crimes against women happening in our area. My mother makes points and backs them up with footnotes and Works Cited.

She would have a point, though, but I think it's just so annoying living as a fearful woman (boo fucking hoo, I know, but bear with me). But honestly, as I learned from Women's Studies 101 (not just a GPA booster course, but a life lesson), women are conditioned to always live by a rape/danger schedule. We are limited by our fear of being attacked. We can't do shit at night for fear of being attacked. Attackers are on every corner they say. Attackers attack everyone they say. Attackers live in your home, they say. How much attacking would an attacker attack if an attacker could attack you? Lots, they say.

And of course, I did feel a tinge of regret when an underaged drunken kid offered me a sip of his cheap vodka and asked me to come to his "party". I ran like a mofo off that bus after that (in heels no less! Gawd, talk about a horro movie waiting to happen!), watching my back all the while to see if he was following me. I also had a "what the fuck moment" when a pale lady dressed in black stepped on the bus holding a human head. I was like, you have got to be kidding me, were you sent by my mom to teach me a lesson? (I realized that she was probably coming home from a Halloween party, but in my fragile state, i panicked)

Of course I'm not stupid and will not make this a routine. Nor will I run around overconfidently topless in the woods, carrying an LED-lit runway to my vag. I mean the only reason I felt okay with running from the bus stop to my house was because it literally only takes me all of two minutes to do so and secondly, because my house is close to a park and a forested trail which are much more ideal for raping.

So that's my bit of short-lived independence. It's not much and barely worth noting, but I've gained a teensy bit more confidence than I had before. All the ladies who truly feel me, throw yo hands up at me.

Mall Musings

As of late, I've become somewhat of a mallrat, scouring racks and racks looking for fulfillment, a new soul and a great pair of ankle-high, buckled boot-flats. I've had moderate success in the first two, but oddly, the third is the hardest to find. It seems there are many size 6-7 women running around in Vancouver wearing my fucking boots. How. Dare. You.

But I digress.

I noticed a couple things at the mall. Who thinks while they're at the mall? I do. What else is there to do when your i-pod craps out on you?

(These are not ordered in terms of importance, but I like numbered lists... it makes them feel more official versus bullet points)

1. Mallbabies

There are far too many mall-babies at the.. well, mall, of course. Too many babies in general. Just grow and become adults already! Okay, okay, so I don't have a big problemo with babies day-to-day, but for some reason aggressive moms at the mall feel the need to use their baby stroller as a tractor and they always seem to try to herd me out of aisles.

Just as a sidenote on babies (a babynote if you will, har, har, har): Why do parents constantly try to impress their babies with nothing...? I understand, parenting is hard and that little baby seems easy to impress, but honestly, give the child a little credit in the brains department. Today I saw a father trying his hardest to try to impress a baby with his own reflection. He tapped that mirror and tapped it and the baby was totally not having any of it. It's the relentless trying I don't get. Another time, I saw a mother trying to impress a baby by crinkling garbage in its face. I'm all for alternate forms of fun, but sometimes, just buy the kid some yogurt or whatever babies eat.

Sidenote on the sidenote on babies (a sidetosidenote, if you will, ho, ho, ho): Why are baby carriages so big? I feel bad for mothers who try to get on crowded buses with those things. Someone needs to Optimus Prime-up that shit and make them transform into something else. Something like a bus, perhaps.

2. Payless Shoes

Am I reeeeallllly paying less for shoes when you charge me $39.99 for a pair of "can't be over $20" pair of flats? I mean, when you factor in the quality to price ratio, I can't imagine I'm paying less for shoes. In general, the store's average shoe price is lower than other shoe places, but the quality just sucks. They should name the store "Pay-an average to overpriced amount for low quality Shoes". Catchy, n'est-ce pas?

3. The busy-ness of the mall

It's simple math really: My less than $5 item + huuuuuge line-up=just asking me to shoplift. I don't, but I could. Add in ugly and annoying sales staff and that's like begging me to shoplift.

4. Speaking of ugly and annoying sales staff

Customer service is always a huge grievance, but I mean, customer service at Below the Belt is just a joke (well, the one closest to me... I don't think the others are as bad). It's called Below the Belt because everyone there is completely caught up in their own assholery. I have no idea why I go there either, when I think I've bought maybe two shirts there in my lifetime. I go there to get pissed off and get ideas to blog about. Awesome.

5. Odd Couples

This is not so much a grievance, but just of interest. I enjoy seeing odd couples. The ever-popular cute Asian immigrant woman with ugly old white man, obese woman with teeny man, etc, etc. I highly enjoy people watching, and people highly enjoy staring me down for my creeper skills.

Fun fact: Did you know that couples still do the "hand in backpocket of jeans" thing? I thought that went out in the early nineties. Who knew? Well, now you do. And you're very welcome.

6. People Watching Part 2 (it's an obsession)

You know that one group of "punky emo" kids that's always at the mall? Where there's always like, a fat chick in striped nylons and horn rimmed glasses and then other kids of varying weights with dyed/teased hair, guys wearing makeup, combat boots, and other "rebellious" memorabilia..? I love and hate them, but not for their anti-everything 'tude, but because of their explicit ironic state. If you're so rebellious, why the fuck are you at the mall? What the heck are you guys even buying? Go start a fucking band or something. I've never seen two of those groups at the mall at the same time, but would love to see that happen. Maybe the two will mash-up and combine to form a Super-Mega Emo group and solve mysteries?

oooh.. note to self: Start a book series with the above premise.

7. This is not even really mall-related...

I found out I really love the cornball side of Halloween... You know, where ghosts say puns like "Welcome to our house... we've been dying to see you! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!" I love that. It's part of my whole YTV obsession as a child where I would watch marathon upon marathon of Goosebumps/Are you Afraid of the Dark/Freaky Stories. I love Halloween tv specials, scary stories, Halloween school projects (like making witch hats out of construction paper!) and Halloween costumes. I am so still 7 years old. But I don't care much for gore, whore and apple core halloween stuff (ie. bobbing for apples. that's a disease ridden cesspool if I've ever seen one). Nor do I even really like candy (blasphemy! I know).

Alrighty, that's all for now.

See you later kiddies, thanks for dropppppppping byyyyyy (said by a zombie who falls from the ceiling with a noose around his neck.... yeah, saw it on an episode of tales from the Cryptkeeper I think)

Partay Animals

I thoroughly enjoy going to the zoo. I dig all creatures great and small.

Be forewarned, because you'll see this annoying dude. He usually has on khaki shorts, because for some reason he thought that he wasn't just going to the zoo, but that he was going to go into the actual fucking wild.

Because everytime you go to the zoo, there's always that one douchebag who says:
"Man, you kind of feel bad for those animals eh? They look so bored..."

And sometimes they press their face up to the glass and say:
"You don't want to be locked up in here, do you? You want to be out there in the wild"

And the rest of us are all standing around like "Fuck you, man. We ALL just spent $22.50 to check out some animals; don't ruin it!". Because he obviously doesn't feel that bad after he snaps 208 pictures of that same animal. I hate to crush your little world pretentious freedom fighter, but that $7 souvenir cup with the rhinoceros on the front filled with red slushy drink? Didn't do shit to "free" the animals either.

I mean, obviously these animals look bored. Have you ever watched the Discovery Channel? I'm sorry, but animals are fucking boring. When they're not hunting, they're sleeping. that's what they like to do. They don't dance around the wild singing songs about how they'll rule the jungle after their father dies a la the Lion King, or do whatever they did in that Madagascar (what happened in that movie anyway?).

I mean, if even the tv-worthy discovery channel footage is boring, I'd hate to see the shit they take out.

How interesting are you Mr.khaki shorts when you're just trying to live? I can just picture this bastard now going to some sketchy Thai zoo where bears in chains juggle whilst hoisted on medicine balls and him saying "see, these... these animals look like they're enjoying themselves". I totally just wrote Thailandese. Is that a word? Why do I feel in my soul that it is, but feel in my brain that it is not....

Granted some animals get bored and some go crazy in captivity. But I'm sure animals in the wild get a little crazzzay too. that's why they call them "wild".

Paris Hilton's Trainwreckage Search for a Career

I'm an extremely nice person. I watch shit shows so that you won't have to! You're very welcome. Especially for this atrocity of a show:

Did they totally steal the backsplash and graphics from "Sweet 16" (please sing that as it is meant to be sung)? This show is quite likely the most horrific show I've ever seen. Not because the premise of finding a BFF via a television show is lame, but because the prize is Paris Hilton. I mean, every game show which offers something other than money is a total joke. Oh, but people get diamonds at random times where the winner of each competition is selected in a subjective way that I don't always get, by ambiguous standards like "Who is the biggest clubber?".Not to mention, Paris did in fact at one point mention a Season 2, so good luck Season 1 winner.

We all know how it'll go down, right? In the end, Paris will say she was betrayed or that her new BFF just couldn't handle the hectic lifestyle. We call this the Tila Tequila cop-out (okay, so this show is not the most horrific show, Ms. Tequila's is).

I also love how Paris drops little pearls of wisdom throughout the show, whilst sitting stiffer than Paris Hilton in a sex tape, on a loveseat. Who knew someone could look so unsexy on a loveseat? But she doles out little insights on "true friendship", like how a best friend should be totally devoted to you, dye their hair because you tell them to and do random tasks that don't have anything to do with your personal interests (I mean, I'm sure polo playing skills are just imperative in a friendship).

As a sidenote, whatever happened to Paris' little chihuahua? He has morphed into 20 humanoid contestants, I guess.

Now, in the words of Paris Hilton, TTYN (she's so clever! Talk to you never! LOL!). A better one you can use Paris? See you never, totally. You can shorten it to the acronym C-U-N-T.

Now if you'll excuse me, episode three is on.

It's a metaphor for life, really...

I always play video games up until the hard level where there's some sort of crazy monster that breathes fire or poisonous gases that make you lose energy every step you take. And then you look up "cheats" online, but the cheats tell you that to defeat the monster, you have to stab it. How novel.

Honestly though, I HATE the whole "Try again at a harder level". I understand if there's some mini "easy" level practice version, but when I'm playing on "normal", don't I deserve the normal ending without the condescending message at the end? Don't I deserve to unlock special codes where I can play with Mario wearing different colour overalls?

Life is about not getting rewards and always trying again on harder levels. But taking the easy way out sometimes means you save a lot of time. And time is money. And... where was I going with this? Where am I? Yeah.