I'm starting to get on my own nerves.

I've become very indolent (a word I learned from someone else's blog who is much smarter than I) these past few weeks and it's unsettling. My mother, dear mother, throughout my life, has chronically asked me the question, "What's your plan?" and I always had an answer, no matter how vague and no matter how short-term. I have no plan! And I'm scared to commit to plans, I think. For fear that better plans may arise. I pencil in everything in life, but would like to Sharpie in some concrete, good plans. I think the longer I lack a plan, the more grandiose it has to be.

Hence why I haven't made my big move yet. It's frustrating that I haven't made strides to seek better employment opportunities due to a lack of confidence. What's the harm in trying, right? I'm like that annoying girl in highschool who had low self-esteem and always told you she decided to "stop eating" to be skinny. And you would have to reassure her that no, she was not fat and yes, she should eat. I'm like that girl, only it's much harder to run and hide from myself during lunch.

I know for about 7 years I've been really unsure about plans, but this is like the peak. Well, maybe in two years I'll spiral further (one can dream!). Honestly. I'm waiting for something. Something big. Something big is coming. I put that on a sticky note. "You will find employment," "Something big and great is coming!" but so far nothing. So, "The Secret" my ass, I say. I've actually never read it, so I'm probably doing something wrong.

I'm a bit embarrassed to be me, at the moment. How awkward.

Okay, no, seriously. This too shall pass. This is merely temporary. My horoscope said something good will come in about two weeks (though, that's what it said last month too).