Many question marks looming

Right now I am blogging to rediscover myself. I've become kind of drone-like, which I guess it sort of the nature of growing up, yes? I mean, I know that there are these new-fangled jobs where there are foosball tables in the breakroom and where shoes are optional, but at the heart of it, there is a sort of grayness that follows 'growing up'. A grayness that I have yet to really understand.

I work at a standard 9-5 (or if we're being exact, 8:00-5:00) which I don't loathe, but I also don't feel entirely at peace with. It's because it's not my "calling". Not my "passion". All those things that were promised to me when I graduated university 2 years ago (wait, 3 years ago?). You know when things are temporary and so you just start to not give a shit? You kind of become disengaged, sneak in and sneak out, eat lunch in the bathrooms like some anti-social loser and tell people you have a million plans on the weekend so you'd rather not go to some after-work social party? Then you realize that that supposedly temporary job has lasted for three years and you become caught in this really strange and awkward limbo. Where people start to wonder. And ask questions. And you become accountable for shit you didn't want to be accountable for. And you start to decorate your desk and making it more 'home-y'. And you realize your boss is telling you about the plans for next year and the great pension plan for fifty years down the road when you retire and you nod, and say it sounds great and you'll start making plans for next year.

And then the panic sets in.

Because I don't want to be here. But then the obvious question is, well, where do you want to be? And the answer is not anywhere else, but somewhere else. Somewhere 'right'. But again, what is that? I have been to about five psychics in the past year or so in hopes that someone will just tell me what to do. Just tell me what to do to make me stop wondering and I'll do it. But darn them, they won't. Sometimes I forget that these are psychics and they don't cast spells or tell you what to do. They tell you what you're inclined to do and inclined to have and they don't always guarantee that those things will be spectacular. Bollocks.

One psychic told me now is the time to act. Is there anything more ambiguous than that sort of phrase? "Now is the time to be passionate." What the heck am I supposed to do with that? So I said, "The problem is I've lost a bit of passion" to which she replied, "Maybe you never had passion. You're not a passionate person. You're not excited about life. Find something to be excited about." Well, why didn't I think of that? This whole time I've been looking for things to make me depressed and angry!

Okay, but seriously, I get it. No one can tell you what you'll be passionate about and it is true that sometimes you have to look for it and not wait for inspiration to hit you on the head. However, I suppose all this time I've thought about everything I hate and dislike. I've only been eliminating everything I hate, because that's easier, but maybe I should be going about this more optimistically.

I don't know. Work, career, direction. Can't I pay someone to find all this stuff for me?

Tales from a 25-year-old nothing

I feel inspired to blog. Blogging is wonderful isn't it? It's like it's 1999 all over again (You: "But Shaena, did you even have the internet in 1999?" Me: "Shut up, and don't ever EVER bring up my pseudo-Amish upbringing EVER AGAIN!" ). No I don't think I had the internet in 1999. I was never part of ICQ or had a geocities/asian avenue page full of swirly, glittery banners and pix of THA HOTTEST GUYZ EVA from the BSB and NSync (You: "But Shaena, your notebooks will reveal that you actually liked Hanson!" Me: "Shut up and don't ever EVER bring up my pseudo-lesbian stage EVER AGAIN!" ).

Anyway, this is my announcement that I shall start blogging again. I recently watched 'eat, pray, love' which inspired me to start writing, because if that adulterous nut-job could get a book deal... No, no, that punchline could be better. I recently watched 'eat, pray, love' which inspired me to write ::beat:: anything to get my mind off of that horrendous novel. Nailed it. That's a keeper for my fictitious stand-up routine.

This is a new stage in my life and henceforth, I shall begin blogging again (I initially wanted to start journaling again, but the fingers just cannot take extended periods of writing anymore). I have many, many, many interesting thoughts, so stay tuned (this is probably an overstatement. Most likely my thoughts will revolve around being annoyed by our transit system and early mornings). I am awakened and starting anew! It's puberty number 2! I shall become a new woman! I hopefully will grow better breasts this time around! yippee!*

*I am not crazy. Perhaps slightly delirious from a lack of sleep, but still sane.

So, yes. That's that. I will start blogging again. Why not.