Mall Musings

As of late, I've become somewhat of a mallrat, scouring racks and racks looking for fulfillment, a new soul and a great pair of ankle-high, buckled boot-flats. I've had moderate success in the first two, but oddly, the third is the hardest to find. It seems there are many size 6-7 women running around in Vancouver wearing my fucking boots. How. Dare. You.

But I digress.

I noticed a couple things at the mall. Who thinks while they're at the mall? I do. What else is there to do when your i-pod craps out on you?

(These are not ordered in terms of importance, but I like numbered lists... it makes them feel more official versus bullet points)

1. Mallbabies

There are far too many mall-babies at the.. well, mall, of course. Too many babies in general. Just grow and become adults already! Okay, okay, so I don't have a big problemo with babies day-to-day, but for some reason aggressive moms at the mall feel the need to use their baby stroller as a tractor and they always seem to try to herd me out of aisles.

Just as a sidenote on babies (a babynote if you will, har, har, har): Why do parents constantly try to impress their babies with nothing...? I understand, parenting is hard and that little baby seems easy to impress, but honestly, give the child a little credit in the brains department. Today I saw a father trying his hardest to try to impress a baby with his own reflection. He tapped that mirror and tapped it and the baby was totally not having any of it. It's the relentless trying I don't get. Another time, I saw a mother trying to impress a baby by crinkling garbage in its face. I'm all for alternate forms of fun, but sometimes, just buy the kid some yogurt or whatever babies eat.

Sidenote on the sidenote on babies (a sidetosidenote, if you will, ho, ho, ho): Why are baby carriages so big? I feel bad for mothers who try to get on crowded buses with those things. Someone needs to Optimus Prime-up that shit and make them transform into something else. Something like a bus, perhaps.

2. Payless Shoes

Am I reeeeallllly paying less for shoes when you charge me $39.99 for a pair of "can't be over $20" pair of flats? I mean, when you factor in the quality to price ratio, I can't imagine I'm paying less for shoes. In general, the store's average shoe price is lower than other shoe places, but the quality just sucks. They should name the store "Pay-an average to overpriced amount for low quality Shoes". Catchy, n'est-ce pas?

3. The busy-ness of the mall

It's simple math really: My less than $5 item + huuuuuge line-up=just asking me to shoplift. I don't, but I could. Add in ugly and annoying sales staff and that's like begging me to shoplift.

4. Speaking of ugly and annoying sales staff

Customer service is always a huge grievance, but I mean, customer service at Below the Belt is just a joke (well, the one closest to me... I don't think the others are as bad). It's called Below the Belt because everyone there is completely caught up in their own assholery. I have no idea why I go there either, when I think I've bought maybe two shirts there in my lifetime. I go there to get pissed off and get ideas to blog about. Awesome.

5. Odd Couples

This is not so much a grievance, but just of interest. I enjoy seeing odd couples. The ever-popular cute Asian immigrant woman with ugly old white man, obese woman with teeny man, etc, etc. I highly enjoy people watching, and people highly enjoy staring me down for my creeper skills.

Fun fact: Did you know that couples still do the "hand in backpocket of jeans" thing? I thought that went out in the early nineties. Who knew? Well, now you do. And you're very welcome.

6. People Watching Part 2 (it's an obsession)

You know that one group of "punky emo" kids that's always at the mall? Where there's always like, a fat chick in striped nylons and horn rimmed glasses and then other kids of varying weights with dyed/teased hair, guys wearing makeup, combat boots, and other "rebellious" memorabilia..? I love and hate them, but not for their anti-everything 'tude, but because of their explicit ironic state. If you're so rebellious, why the fuck are you at the mall? What the heck are you guys even buying? Go start a fucking band or something. I've never seen two of those groups at the mall at the same time, but would love to see that happen. Maybe the two will mash-up and combine to form a Super-Mega Emo group and solve mysteries?

oooh.. note to self: Start a book series with the above premise.

7. This is not even really mall-related...

I found out I really love the cornball side of Halloween... You know, where ghosts say puns like "Welcome to our house... we've been dying to see you! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!" I love that. It's part of my whole YTV obsession as a child where I would watch marathon upon marathon of Goosebumps/Are you Afraid of the Dark/Freaky Stories. I love Halloween tv specials, scary stories, Halloween school projects (like making witch hats out of construction paper!) and Halloween costumes. I am so still 7 years old. But I don't care much for gore, whore and apple core halloween stuff (ie. bobbing for apples. that's a disease ridden cesspool if I've ever seen one). Nor do I even really like candy (blasphemy! I know).

Alrighty, that's all for now.

See you later kiddies, thanks for dropppppppping byyyyyy (said by a zombie who falls from the ceiling with a noose around his neck.... yeah, saw it on an episode of tales from the Cryptkeeper I think)